An ongoing journey...

I began writing from some of my earliest memories of thoughts and emotions, so each new entry builds upon the one before it. And each new entry represents an evolution at that
particular point in time.
Thank you for reading and hopefully sharing.

The "choice"...

Ultimately, the "choice" is yours...

Venture out into uncertainty with dignity,
or choose to live in a closet filled with uncertainty without it.

You can choose to live as a gay individual or not.
But you can never choose to be gay or not.

You can choose to live your entire life without ever having a same-sex relationship. You can choose the way you react to your sexual instincts. You can choose to turn away from a lifestyle which you fear will bring you shame and ridicule. You can choose to change your behaviors and repress your homosexual thoughts...

But it you will never be able to change who you are
at the depth of your soul.

You can ask for God's help to heal you.
And never change because possibly, just possibly,
God doesn't consider you damaged or sick.

I did it. I lived as a straight man. I was married. I have a son.
I made the "choice" to live  the way I thought I was supposed to.

But I was always gay.

And always will be.

Beside myself...

For as long as I can remember,
it felt like there were two separate people living in my body.

The one I allowed people see,
and the other I kept hidden inside.

Living with both was difficult,
and completely embracing either was impossible.

As a boy, I struggled to become part of a world I wanted to live in. I wanted other boys to like me, and accept me so I would be invited into their brotherhood, and treat me like they treated each other. But I often felt like I was in a foreign country where I didn't have a complete command of the language. I could hear other boys when they spoke, but I didn't always understand them. I could interact with them, but I could never completely connect with them. I even studied them and tried to be more like them by copying what they said and did. But their world was always just out of my reach, as if I was separated from them by some barrier I could not see or touch.

But, I was truly different from them.

I always knew I wasn't like most other boys my age. Even though I shared many interests with my peers, there were core differences that separated me from them. Some of the differences were very subtle, some were glaringly obvious.

Typically, I was more sympathetic, emotional, and sensitive than most of my other male friends in school. While I might have been just as outwardly aggressive as they were, I was more aware of their emotions than they were of each others. While I didn't want to see any of male or female friends hurt or sad, there was a special empathy I had for other boys my age in particular. Maybe it's because girls were allowed to show their emotions without ridicule, and unfortunately boys of my generation and culture were expected to hide any weaknesses. I would often search for a crack in a boy's seemingly impenetrable emotional armor, and would be relieved when I found another male allowing himself to be vulnerable. Most girls were naturally more in-tune to their feelings than boys, and since I was already fairly sensitive, I could be much more honest about my emotions with them.

I had an appreciation for beauty and culture in the world which many males seemed to find more "feminine" characteristics. I also was more artistic than most boys which also served to further separate me from what was considered to be the norm. While I didn't shy away from sports, and wasn't afraid of getting hurt myself, I couldn't really couldn't bring the same level of aggression to the game. And I wasn't really interested in seeing men (or women) participating in a sport where the goal was to actually do harm to another person. When I was a boy, there were many stereotypes which were considered either feminine or masculine, and this seemingly harmless categorizing would hinder my growth and continue to confuse me well into adulthood.

But beyond any of the superficial characteristics, I had some deep instinct which drew me to other males; emotionally and physically. I longed to be accepted by them, share my feelings, and grow close to them. I wanted to establish a meaningful emotional connection with them that extended beyond friendship.

I would make excuses for this feeling,
and learn how to lie to myself and others for much of my life.