It's really just a matter of how uncomfortable the truth makes someone feel.
When I was a child, homosexuality was a secret... a deep, dark, dirty secret that was so incredibly shameful (and misunderstood), that friendships could dissolve, family members could be cast away, and careers could be destroyed. Worse, because homosexuality was seen as being deviant, it could land you in jail... or dead. For those who didn't believe it was actually the fault of the individual, it was seen as a psychological disorder. The last assumption of course, and the most common belief for many, homosexuality was simply a choice. In any case, being gay was wrong... very wrong. Someone, either the individual themselves or their environment, was to blame for the shameful behavior.
So what did I learn to do?
Hide. Lie. Deceive.
There was no one to guide me in any other direction,
so this would be my pattern growing up.
Well said. I completely agree. I too would lie, hide and deceive.
ReplyDeleteIt was only when I was engaged to be married to a beautiful, kind, amazing, and very, very intelligent woman, that the lying, hiding and deceiving was breaking me down. I loved her (Ilona) so much. So very much. But, I wasn't 'in love' with her. There is a difference. I knew that I would end up hurting her … emotionally that is. I couldn't do that to someone I cared so deeply for. We talked. I cried. She asked if I was gay. I wanted to deny it … but, I could lie no more. She had seen through my deception.
Hide. Lie. Deceive. Eventually you have to stop. But, it is so hard to do. Very, very hard to do.