An ongoing journey...

I began writing from some of my earliest memories of thoughts and emotions, so each new entry builds upon the one before it. And each new entry represents an evolution at that
particular point in time.
Thank you for reading and hopefully sharing.

The boiling point...

Even though I was confused about certain aspects of my life at the time, I wouldn't consider my childhood to have been traumatic. I have many wonderful memories, and was fortunate enough to have had many experiences that most children were not able to have because of family issues, health problems, financial hardships, etc. So I guess you could say that I had a very "ordinary" childhood (whatever that is), even though there was no reasonable, sexual guidance whatsoever at the time regarding homosexuality which I would have benefited from. And I think unless a child had some very progressive parents willing to educate them without embarrassment, most just gave their kids a very abbreviated explanation of sex, or they just hoped their kids would never ask about anything. While my parents weren't embarrassed to talk to me about sex, they inadvertently gave me a distorted version - homogenized, distilled. It was oversimplified and incomplete to say the least, with the most complicated and important topics left out. They did the best they could at the time, and they did a wonderful job considering they didn't have the knowledge and resources available we take for granted today. And there was no way for them to know just how early my childhood sexual experiences would begin.

Beginning when I was nine, and continuing sporadically over the next few years, I had a several consensual experiences with boys my own age. What began with curiosity, and the simple pleasure of touching and being touched, boiled over into eroticism with the first early jolts of testosterone. When I was a child, parents would have referred to this early sexual behavior as "playing dirty" or "playing doctor". And either because parents simply expected this type of behavior to occur at some point, or because they suspected this only happened to someone else's children, it really wasn't discussed... until after it was discovered it was actually happening. In my case, my experiences were not discovered, or to my knowledge, even suspected. Without this supplementary education regarding sexual exploration, the contact continued without hindrance... or restraint.

Speaking as a father, the importance of protecting my child, or anyone's child, from sexual experiences they are neither emotionally nor physically prepared to experience, is absolutely imperative. Teaching children the truth about sex in an age-appropriate, but completely straightforward manner could influence their possible actions greatly and have a positive effect their health and psychological development. We are lucky these days to have an abundance of educational tools available to assist us in enlightening our children. More education will produce healthier, more emotionally stable children... whether they turn out to be gay or straight.

As for myself, I was eventually abused by a boy who was much older than I was, and later on, by a woman, who was also older. My experience with this older boy was abusive, and included penetration, with the contact lasting for weeks. While our contact didn't originally include penetration, when it happened, even though it wasn't pleasurable, or expected, it was erotic. When our contact was later discovered, the older boy was seen as a predator, and I was seen as the innocent victim. Although neither description of either of us was completely accurate, the older boy should not have been taking advantage of me - or anyone else.

The abuse which occurred with the woman who was twenty-six while I was fourteen, lasted for over a year, and when I've told trusted individuals the details of this story, a majority have a very interesting reaction. In fact, quite a few people don't consider the indecent as "abusive" at all for some reason. They commented on how lucky I was to have "made it" with a beautiful, worldly, married woman. By saying that I had only "made it" with this woman was a complete understatement. I actually consider it my very first adult relationship, such as it was, as I actually lived with her for short periods of time where we pretty much functioned as a romantic couple. As it often happens, this woman was a individual my parents trusted greatly, and always felt she had my best interests at heart.

During this time, I realized many things about myself. I realized I was falling in love with this woman, and that I enjoyed having sex with her. But I also realized that I was still very much attracted to males my own age, as well as men much older than me. It was confusing that I could have sex with a woman and enjoy it, but still be so drawn sexually to men.

I tried to analyze myself for months, trying to find out who and what I really was. I used information I had at hand, some of it good, some of it bullshit.

I was a young man who had no desire to ever be a woman. So I'm probably not a homosexual.

I actually liked having sex with a woman, although there did seem to be something missing. But I must be normal if I can have sex with a woman and enjoy it, so I must not be homosexual.

I found men very attractive, and longed to touch them, smell them, and have intimate contact with them - and when I was alone, I did masturbate about them.

But I think I'm falling in love with this woman. Have I ever fallen in love with a man? No. Not yet anyway. I fell in love with a woman and had great sex with her, so I must not be homosexual. Maybe I'm finally turning normal.

And I don't want to be a homosexual. It's wrong. It's unnatural.

I can do this.

I could do it...
and did.

But not forever.


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